A new take on the old maxim informed by neuroscience of bio-behavioral synchrony.
"No one can make you feel anything." This maxim encapsulates the idea that we have ultimate control over our emotional reactions. While it is difficult to trace the history of how this idea became an accepted truth it certainly stands as a pillar of various psychological and philosophical frameworks. This principle is used by Marshall Rosenberg's Non-Violent Communication approach ("sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me"), Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) and has become a commonplace in pop psychology.
This saying underscores the importance of personal accountability and emotional self-regulation. It closely aligns with the core tenet of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which posits that external events don't directly dictate our emotions; rather, it's our interpretation of these events that shapes our emotional responses. Those familiar with Buddhist philosophy may recognise parallels to the parabole of the second arrow.
Personally, I've always been half on board with this idea. On one hand, I see its value in empowering people to take responsibility for their emotions, leaving less room for feeling like a victim of others or events. But somehow it always seemed a little off. I found the answer while listening to an especially illuminating episode of Andrew Huberman podcast . That is where I heard about bio-bihavioral synchrony for the first time and it has been captivating my interest ever since. So let me tell you about this fascinating mechanism that happens mostly outside of our awareness (and control, for that matter).
As it turns out, sayings like "we are in sync" or "we share the same vibe" are more than just metaphors. Research has identified literal synchronisation in terms of heartbeat, hormones (endocrine fit), and even brain-to-brain synchrony when humans spend time together. This phenomenon has been termed bio-behavioral synchrony.
These states of nervous system "pairing," so to speak, can be characterized by a sense of implicit understanding, oneness, and soothing that defies verbal description. Prime examples include parent-baby or parent-child interactions, as well as interactions with romantic partners and friends. Perhaps even interactions with your therapist fit this category, but more on that later!
If we look more specifically into the brain-to-brain synchrony, it turns out that not only do brain waves synchronize, but also brain region activations and even the autonomic nervous systems (ANS).
Now, back to the original question: can other people make you feel something? Well, it appears that in light of what I just described, they can indeed. Or perhaps, more accurately, we can all influence each other's feelings—courtesy of bio-behavioral synchrony operating in the background of our consciousness!
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And how this is relevant for psychotherapists?
Consider this: in your life as a therapist, have you ever experienced that very special feeling of deep connection with a client? That moment when the therapy room, with the client and you, becomes the centre of the world. A moment where nothing else matters but the present, and time seems to stand still. If you have experienced this (and I'm sure you have), then you'll agree that therapy depth offers a tremendous opportunity for connection and healing—for both the client and the therapist. It's a moment where we are accepted for who we truly are, no need for masks or defenses. This depth of connection doesn't happen with every client, and even when it does, it's not constant. But when it does occur, it is psychotherapy gold.
Departing from science into the realm of speculation, could it be this profound feeling experienced in therapy is linked to achieving synchrony between the client and the therapist within the therapeutic relationship? It possesses all the hallmarks: no words are needed, a deep sense of connectedness, and an almost uncanny feeling that we can read each other's minds.
Just imagine the scene: a psychotherapist and client discussing life while all sorts of wires come out of their bodies and heads to measure physiological responses! If such an experiment were conducted in the future, I'd put my money that synchrony plays a significant role. That is, of course, assuming the therapist is any good!
And please bear with me while I take this sequence of wild speculations one step further. Could the experience of synchrony be the very same feeling that Freud and others referred to as the "oceanic feeling"?
Okay, perhaps I'm getting a little carried away here.
In his book "Love's Executioner" Irving Yalom recounts a patient's metaphor of boats for human life and existence, noting that “Even though you’re alone in your boat, it’s always comforting to see the lights of the other boats bobbing nearby” ("Love's Executioner," story "Do Not Go Gentle"). But could it be that there is more to the comfort than noticing another boat on the horizon? In special moments when we achieve deep synchrony with another human being, we are, for a brief moment at least, truly connected. I hope the great master will forgive me for daring to expand upon his thought here!
I would love to hear your thoughts on this, you can let me know using all the usual channels.
I will be talking a little bit about bio-behavioural synchrony in the context of human attachment in this upcoming workshop on neuroscience of attachment.
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